I really love this new adventure I am on. And i have to say, as much as i yearned for it, i never saw it coming. And i don’t know where its going, to be completely honest.
I have longed for a creative life FOR-EVER. I cant remember a time when i didn’t just want to be creating. But, i never allowed myself that luxury until every other thing, of which there were many, including things invented, was checked off the list. You see, i gave myself the scraps. I got the crumbs, and many, many days there was none for creativity.
I got so tired of that type of living but i just couldnt see how it could be any different. As a single mom i felt the world hinged on ME and my income. It startled me one day when my son asked me if i have ever like any job I’ve had. Was my misery that apparent? I try to be grateful, i do. But i guess it shows when you aren’t doing your life’s work, doesn’t it? And it really hurt that what i had been modeling for him is this idea that work is drudgery. In that moment what i wanted more than anything was to follow my truth path, so that they could be free to see that it was possible too.
I began to fervently pray and listen, as i asked, Lord, what is my life’s work? What do you have for me? I know you’ve given me a gift of creativity and a love of art, but how? How do i use it to glorify you? The framework of my question FINALLY changed. It wasn’t, what are you doing to do for me? My question had always been when will My Life begin? Over time, my question became: What is your plan for Your life that you gave me. The life you salvaged, the one i threw away chasing every high i could find, that life that belongs to You now. What are You and I going to do TOGETHER?…and i began receiving answers. Some i didnt like. Like wait. And keep doing what you’re doing. Watch Me. See what I will do. Keep practicing. Journal. Try something new. Go to this class. Read this book. Share what you discover with others. And i DID what he said. Most of the time. He led me to some lies i was believing that have been holding me back. All. This. Time. I found beliefs like: I don’t deserve to work at something i love. I dont deserve success. I’m not worthy of receiving good things. Life is supposed to be hard. I will always be poor and struggling. I can never make a living doing art. I’m really not an artist… and on and on they went.
And God replaced those lies with the Truth:
It was for freedom that Christ has set me free. I choose to keep standing firm and no longer be subject to a yoke of slavery. Gal. 5:1
The Lord’s beauty is upon me, he establishes the work of my hands. Psalm 90:17
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Psalm 31:25
and so many more that i cant even begin to tell you. And when it was time to get out of the boat, i knew it, i saw it & i practically jumped out. And it wasn’t very graceful. But i did it, I said yes Lord, I got out and He held me up and he has been holding me ever since. He took all those lies and replaced them with something new that i could hold onto and anchor myself too. And when those waves of fear and doubt and disapproval come, they don’t drown me. And they come. Sometimes they wake me up at night to tell me what a loser i am. That what im doing is arrogant and insane. All lies. I cling to my savior and they subside. They haven’t killed me yet. And i suspect they wont. Because this ride is just getting started and i cant wait to see where we are going, together.
It still feels odd letting the dishes go wild, the bed unmade and many other tasks left undone and taking the time for me. But i do it. I try every single day do be creative in some small way. All these tiny movements are cumulative. Our tiny apartment has turned into a mini studio. Each post has contributed to the creation of a group of online encouragers. My friends, the women in my life, they blew on my tiny spark until it flamed and caught fire. My creator, He created me for THIS and i was never meant to do it alone. And i couldnt, wouldnt be doing it without community. An entire body of women has held me up, and together many times. Christ raised this dead woman from the grave almost four years ago, but in this faith walk, i have never taken one step alone. It totally makes sense that this business is not about me, but WE!
I have literally NO IDEA where he is taking me. But because i know he loves me and has good plans for me, i don’t have to fear today. I hope you are encouraged, even if you’re in a totally icky place you don’t like right now, because He has good plans for you too. It happens in His timing, and His timing is never off. Sometimes we wait while we do our part, he does the rest. Ask Him, listen and take action on what he says. And even if it looks like things aren’t happening….things are happening. Always.